Lessons from My Marital Experience – You Can Choose Your Spouse But Can’t Choose Your Spouse’s Relatives.
3 min read
“When you choose a partner, you are also, by extension, choosing to be part of their family, including their parents, siblings, and extended relatives, whether you like it or not, as you cannot select only your partner without also accepting their family dynamic,” so declared a source. In the words of an anonymous source, “Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as family.” Let’s reflect on dealing with the reality of choosing a spouse but having to cope with his or her unchosen relatives.
Do you know that relatives are instrumental to the collapse or success of many marital relationships? The challenge is that while it is within your power to choose your spouse, you have no control over who his or her relatives are. Against your wish, these relatives typically include an assemblage of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Some hardly understand the key principles of successful marital relationships, yet try to get involved in your marriage. Some feel so entitled to certain privileges that they would hardly allow you to have a peaceful home without satisfying their strange expectations. Some may even have life ideologies that are at sharp contrast with yours, and so carrying them along sometimes becomes a “necessary evil” you must embrace to move forward. Susan Forward shared this perspective: “Toxic in-laws are people who, through various types of assaults on you and your marriage, create genuine chaos. These assaults can be open and aggressive or subtle and subversive. They may range from attempts to control you through guilt-peddling or the use of money to hurtful rejection of you because of religious or cultural differences. They are usually unapologetic and often unrelenting.”
So, enhance your capacity to handle your spouse’s relatives if you dream of a happy home. Recognize that in-laws management skill is a soft skill in dire need for some homes. Be alert that depending on the goodness or ugliness of your spouse’s relatives, you may need a good mix of increased financial capability, cultural intelligence, spiritual prowess, social fitness, and/or display of physical strength. You need to also intentionally separate your in-laws’ acts from your spouse’s as he or she may, like you, be a victim of circumstantial relatives. The implication is that you need to consciously “study” your in-laws to recognize the appropriate skills to deploy to safely deal with them. Irrespective of the nature of your spouse’s relatives, be intentional about defining the boundaries beyond which relatives can not cross. A source counselled, “In-laws should be stopped at the border. They really don’t belong to us, and they come with so much stress and conflict.” Be conscious that while mixing your family with your spouse’s biological family may seem nice and caring, it often leads to abuse of privilege, unmet expectations, bitterness, and unhealthy parting of ways – a goodbye rather than a “see you later.”
As you step out, don’t take in-laws management skills for granted. Show love to your spouse’s relatives but shield your home from their interference and control. As you consider necessary, focus on what is within your control, influence what you can, and adapt to what you can not change. Above all, irrespective of how your spouse’s relatives are, don’t let it adversely affect your relationship with your spouse.
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Prof. (Engr.) Esang Esitikot is a professor of occupational health and safety, a COREN-registed chemical engineer, public affairs analyst, certified management consultant, World Safety Organization Ambassador, recognized Environmental Ambassador, marriage counsellor, youth mentor, reviewer for some international research journals and volunteer lecturer at the Institute of Health, Safety, Security and Environment, University of Uyo. He is a manager in the oil and gas industry and was recently recognized by Highstone Global University, USA, as the occupational health and safety personality of 2024. He can be contacted via 08035103559 (Whatsapp only) or email (esitikot@gmail.com).