Lessons from My Marital Experience – Be Useful, Don’t Be Used

“Know the difference between helping others and being used by them,” so declared Agnes Bonas.

Samiha Totanji lamented, “It’s breaking my heart the way this world is so mean to people with pure intentions and soft hearts. With time I’ve seen much cruelty towards good people that instead of being cherished, they are actually being used.”

Let’s reflect on being useful in your marital relationship without being used.

Do you know that while being useful is a virtue, being used is a vice? In Erich Hoebei’s words, “Everyone is a tool for someone. The thing to consider is what exactly one should be used for.” The marital institution connects you with some people that you probably wouldn’t have had any direct relationship with. While some of these people may be excitingly helpful and value-adding, some can adopt you as a tool for selfish gain. They may capitalize on your soft heart, hold you captive with a sense of entitlement, or even abandon their responsibilities for you. Such might have made Ritu Ghatourey declare, “You can’t always be nice. That’s how people take advantage of you. Sometimes, you have to set boundaries.” Sometimes, you may feel a sense of compulsion to help or struggle with inability to say NO and so continue to be a tool in people’s hands to achieve objectives you don’t heartily subscribe to. The danger, as Innah Angeles noted, is that “Anyone who allows other people to control and guide their destiny will eventually become bitter and feel used and taken advantage of.”

So, enhance your capacity to say NO to people trying to use you irrespective of their marital relationship with you. Be willing to help but fight every attempt to allow yourself to be used. Know that with or without you, your in-laws will still survive.  Therefore, be useful to them as part of your services to humanity, but don’t let them use you, control you, detect to you, and make you render services you feel compelled to render. Don’t let anyone make you do something you don’t willingly and happily want to do. Know that allowing yourself to be used is not a sign of love but that of your weakness in defining healthy boundaries. Be alert, as Sonya Parker noted, “People know who they can walk over and who they can’t. If someone is walking all over you, it’s because they know you’ll put up with it.” Don’t let someone use love to emotionally blackmail you to let yourself be used. As Laura Shannon advised, “If there are people in your life that you feel are using you, you need to reset the boundaries. Learn to say, ‘NO.’ People only treat us as bad as we allow.”

As you step out, Assegid Habtewold reminded you: “Being used is not a destiny; it’s a choice.” Listen to Ciara Graves: “Always question everything, and never let yourself be used. Never become somebody’s pawn.” If you care less about being used, Nishan Panwar counselled, “Even the most caring people can get tired of being taken for granted.”

*Prof Esitikot is a professor of occupational health and safety, a COREN-registered chemical engineer, public affairs analyst, certified management consultant, World Safety Organization Ambassador, recognized Environmental Ambassador, marriage counsellor, youth mentor, reviewer for some international research journals and volunteer lecturer at the Institute of  Health, Safety, Security and Environment, University of Uyo. He is a manager in the oil and gas industry and was recently recognized by Highstone Global University, USA, as the occupational health and safety personality of 2024. He can be contacted via 08035103559 (Whatsapp only).