Lessons from My Marital Experience – Don’t be Wedded but Not Married

“A wedding is not a marriage. Marriages will never be perfect. They’re always a work in progress. But weddings? Weddings are just a moment in time, striving to be perfect,” so alluded Julie Soto. To another writer, “Your wedding is not just about that day, it’s not just about the reception and the food and the party. It’s about what happens the day after that.” Let’s reflect on not confusing wedding with marriage.

Do you know that the quality of your wedding has no relationship with the success of your marriage? Are you aware there are many wedded parties who are not really married, though they may be called couples? While there is so much focus on weddings, what happens after is actually what matters more. While the wedding ceremony is externally done, true marriage is more of a hearty connection between the parties than external display or what people are called. As a source said, “Being someone’s first love may be great, but to be their last is beyond perfect.” While wedding can give the former, it’s only marriage that produces the later. While two people can have different forms of feelings towards each other, having sincere mutually complementary feelings towards each other is not common. As T. Tolis said, “To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything.” In Mark Twain’s words, “To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with.” While the excitment of wedding may be hugh, endless sharing of joy happens in marriage. In Martin Luther’s words, “There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.” However, it needs to be clear that having that desired relationship entails work and intentionality. That might have been why Barbara Angelis said, “A marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s the way you love your partner everyday.”

So, it’s necessary that you marry consciously. Know that while weddings can be planned by others, it’s your duty to “marry,” and you have to do it consciously and dutifully. While a wedding is an event, marriage is a relationship, and any successful relationship must be bound by principles that both parties are committed to. That might have been why a source said, “If I get married, I want to be very married.” Be alert that while the beauty and colourfulness of wedding relies on your external possessions (e.g., amount of money you have, associations you belong to, who your relatives are, etc), the success of your marital relationship depends on your internal possessions (e.g., character, self-control, emotional intelligence etc). Like a goal, marital success must be pursued with diligence and treated as a valuable project. It shouldn’t be left to luck or control of others, particularly third parties. Each party should recognize how important and unique his or her role is for the success of the relationship and be sincerely committed to giving his or her all.

As you step out,  recommit to your marital relationship if you’re married. Recognize that your marriage won’t succeed through luck but work. It won’t work by the actions of others but yours, and it requires more of your internal “properties” than the externals. If you’re planning to get married, please check if you really know what marriage entails.

*Esitikot is a professor of occupational health and safety, a COREN-registered chemical engineer, public affairs analyst, certified management consultant, World Safety Organization Ambassador, recognized Environmental Ambassador, marriage counsellor, youth mentor, reviewer for some international research journals and volunteer lecturer at the Institute of  Health, Safety, Security and Environment, University of Uyo. He is a manager in the oil and gas industry and was recently recognized by Highstone Global University, USA, as the occupational health and safety personality of 2024. He can be contacted via 08035103559 (Whatsapp only).